


Between Us

by wenderpul



Category: Red Velvet (K-pop Band)
Genre: Angst, F/F
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-15
Updated: 2019-05-15
Packaged: 2020-03-05 21:30:24
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 13,257
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18837160
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/wenderpul/pseuds/wenderpul
Summary: Seulgi loves Wendy. Wendy loves Irene. Irene loves too much.





	Between Us

**Author's Note:**

> I can't believe I forgot to update something last Sunday. Anyway, updating today because 15th May is special ^^  
> Sorry for the two pairing tags, it's just one of those stories.

Seulgi would always remember the first time they went to a radio show after Irene and Bogum were announced to be a couple. For any fans or outsiders, the atmosphere was light and full of teasing. The DJ never let anyone forgot throughout the one hour show that BoRene was official and their interviews would always bring them back to the topic.

 

She remembered what everyone did that day. Yeri was whining on how she should get a boyfriend too while all of her unnies chastised her and reminded her that she was too young. Irene was blushing and got shy whenever Bogum’s name was mentioned and she listened attentively to what everyone had to say about her relationship. Joy was revealing stories after stories on what she knew about the new couple a a horrified Irene tried to stop Joy a few times from telling too much.

 

Seulgi was really thankful for Joy though, because Joy’s carefree nature saved her and Wendy from having to contribute too much on the topic. Wendy was mostly smiling and laughing but all Seulgi could see was how the happiness did not really reach her eyes. She herself could only laugh and just added a remark here and there as the members spoke since she was too concerned over Wendy.

 

Seulgi almost murdered the DJ when the older woman suddenly turned the spotlight to Wendy.

 

“Wendy ssi! How do you feel now that your leader is dating? Any juicy gossips to share with us?”

 

Wendy hesitated a few seconds before she laughed and sit a little straighter while adjusting her headphones.

 

“First of all, I’m really glad that unnie has found someone to love and be loved. Bogum oppa is really nice and respectful to all of us so I can see how well he will treat unnie…”

 

Wendy’s voice trailed off and Seulgi knew why, she could hear the sob that was threatening to come out as Wendy pronounced the word unnie. It was subtle, but it was dangerous so she shot her hand in the air to turn everyone’s attention on herself.

 

“Ah! I have a story to tell!”

 

She could hear Irene groaned, feeling betrayed over Seulgi’s volunteerism as she grumbled on how Seulgi and Wendy were the ones she trusted most to not spill any beans. The maknaes were giddy with joy as they leaned closer to the table, eager to know about the story Seulgi was going to talk about. The DJ was clapping and laughing while encouraging her to speak.

 

But Seulgi could only focus on Wendy who was ducking her head and pretending that dust had gotten in her eyes as she wiped them quietly.

 

“Ah…Bogum oppa went to our Red Room concert in secret! He even recruited his friends to help him to get the tickets because he was too shy to ask from Irene unnie, isn’t that cute?”

 

“Unnie, this isn’t new information. Joy unnie spoke about this just now.”

 

“Yeah, why aren’t you paying attention, Seulgom unnie?”

 

Now the attention was on Seulgi’s blunder and everyone was laughing at how airheaded Seulgi could be at times and discussed about that as their new topic. Seulgi was relieved with this change of topic as Wendy could now participate in the conversation too, and her same aged friend really did. She did not mind being the topic of jest as long as Wendy could feel more comfortable.

 

When a song was played and their voices could no longer be heard beyond the studio, Seulgi apologized to everyone.

 

“I’m sorry, I guessed I was spacing out when Joy mentioned about Bogum oppa being at Red Room.”

 

“It’s fine, Seulgi.”

 

 _‘No, it was not fine at all,’_ Seulgi thought as she glanced at Wendy who was playing with her own fingers.

 

*

 

Seulgi struggled to punch the code to their dorm with all the paper bags she was carrying in her hands. It was not groceries day but she still went ahead and bought some, along with some art supplies and other items she knew she would regret buying but did anyway. She just needed time off from the home that felt more and more suffocating each day.

 

As she was about to punch the last of the number, the door was opened by giggling Irene and Seulgi blinked as she watched Irene talking on the phone with one hand at the doorknob. When Irene realized of her existence, she quickly ended the call and helped Seulgi with some of the paper bags. Seulgi groaned a quick ‘thanks’ and kicked the door to close it shut before they walked together to the kitchen to sort out the things Seulgi had bought.

 

“I thought we don’t need to buy anything for a while,” Irene quipped, amused as she took the groceries ranging from cans of SPAM to fresh vegetables and sorted them out.

 

Seulgi just shrugged, knowing the older girl had a point. She helped Irene out before a thought crossed her mind.

 

“Oh! Why were you at the door, unnie? I didn’t ring the doorbell on purpose since I thought all of you were resting.”

 

Irene’s jaw dropped as she was reminded of the reason why she was about to go out in the first place.

 

“Oh no! I was supposed to follow the maknaes to the karaoke place and between answering Bogum’s call and seeing you, I forgot!”

 

Irene was about to bolt out of the kitchen when she backtracked and looked at Seulgi with one tilted eyebrow cutely.

 

“Do you want to come with us Sseul?”

 

Seulgi just smiled and shook her head.

 

“No, I’m a bit tired. I’ll just rest.”

 

Irene sighed, she expected that reaction. Suddenly she stood up straight and spoke seriously while looking at Seulgi.

 

“If that’s the case…can you look after Seungwan? She seems a bit…unwell these days. She won’t tell me what’s wrong but I think she’ll tell you. You can do that right?”

 

Seulgi wanted to laugh and scream at Irene’s obliviousness. How could she not see the reason why Wendy had been so gloomy, unlike her usual self lately? But she bit her lip and nodded; it would be best to get Irene out of the house as soon as possible before she attend to Wendy.

 

She continued to put away the groceries after she heard the front door was closed and when she was done, she carried her art supplies to the room she shared with Wendy. She knocked at the door and heard a muffled ‘Come in’ before she twisted the doorknob open.

 

Seulgi was greeted with the sight of Wendy who had tied her hair up in a messy bun and wearing an oversized shirt with really short shorts. An earphone was plugged in her ear while the partner was left dangling mid-air as she put her phone to the side and greeted Seulgi with a smile.

 

A familiar twist and ache in Seulgi’s stomach resurfaced as she returned Wendy’s smile with one of her own and placed the art supplies on her own bed before she jumped on Wendy’s bed and snuggled against the girl. Wendy shrieked as Seulgi’s cold frame hugged her and laughed when Seulgi hid her cold face at the crook between her shoulder and neck.

 

“Seulgi! You’re cold!”

 

“I know, that’s why I’m warming myself up like this.”

 

She smiled and felt Wendy shuddered as the other girl felt the side of Seulgi’s smile being pressed upon her shoulder blade.

 

“Seungwannie?”

 

“Hurm?”

 

Wendy hummed an answer as she took off the remaining plugged earphone and wrapped her arms around Seulgi, trying to warm up her cold friend.

 

“Do you still love Joohyun unnie?”

 

Wendy’s grip around Seulgi loosened and she was about to retract her arms when Seulgi pulled them back to place and murmured softly, “No, please stay.”

 

Somehow Wendy could hear the slight desperation behind the taller girl’s soft voice and she complied. She did not answer Seulgi’s question immediately and for a few moments, only silence filled between them. Wendy knew the answer for that but she was too afraid to say it out loud, for fear of breaking what Irene had and for fear of failing to contain her own feelings and be judged over them.

 

But this was Seulgi. Her soulmate, her other half, her best friend. They had shared so much together and Seulgi never hesitated to speak of her pain to Wendy before, so why should Wendy be scared? She wanted to nod her head but she did not want to make Seulgi, who was still resting her head on Wendy’s shoulder uncomfortable so she whispered her answer instead.

 

“I think I do.”

 

This answer was not a surprise for Seulgi but she felt a quiet pain silently crept in and gripped her heart anyway. She was used to pain, this was not much.

 

“But,” Wendy added quickly, “I’ll get over it soon. I’ve had tonnes of crushes before Joohyun unnie, so what’s another one, right?”

 

_‘Wrong. None of them had ever looked at you like you have stars in your smile the way Joohyun unnie did.’_

 

But Seulgi swallowed the words that were at the tip of her tongue and Wendy let out a half laugh, trying to cover up her own pain as Seulgi raised her head and hugged Wendy instead. This time, she was the one holding Wendy upright as Wendy placed her head on Seulgi’s chest and sobbed.

 

“I’m going to be fine, right Seulgi? This was temporary right?”

 

Wendy clutched at Seulgi’s button-down tightly, as if Seulgi was her lifeline, and she was drowning.

 

“I’ll eventually accept and support Joohyun unnie’s relationship with Park Bogum right?”

 

“Of course you will. You are the head of Joohyun unnie’s fans, you’ll never let her down.”

 

Seulgi tightened her hug on Wendy, wishing that she could take all of Wendy’s pain even if she had to bear them on top of her own.

 

Wishing that the girl she loved was not so broken because of the girl she loved.

 

_‘And I’m your biggest supporter, Wan ah. I won’t let you down. I promise.’_

 

*

 

Irene was very attentive to details, at least she would like to think so. She was feeling restless at the karaoke room right now as she felt she had missed something really important. She kept trying to recall what it was.

 

Was it something with the radio show they did today? No, the manager said it was fine to for them to talk about her and Bogum since they were known as the Korea ‘it’ couple after the news broke a week ago. Or did it have something to do with her boyfriend? It could not be so. Bogum had a filming right now and he had called her just now as she bumped into Seulgi to say goodbye for the night. Probably she was worried about Wendy? The girl had not been as cheery as she was these days and Irene suspected she knew the reason why, but she was not ready to confront the younger girl about both of their feelings yet. Not now, when everything was going so well with her boyfriend, her family, the management and fans.

 

Irene knew Wendy was not the reason why she was restless. She grabbed her glass of juice from the table and sipped her drink as she watched the maknaes danced and sang together, her brows furrowed in thought. As she tasted the orange juice in her tongue, she smiled as she was reminded of Wendy’s character in their Red Flavor comeback.

 

All of a sudden a realization hit her.

 

She got reminded of a tangerine scent that was with her a few hours ago, remembered peering into paper bags to look at the content. She recalled seeing Toblerones that Wendy was absolutely weak for and seeing replenished baking supplies. She remembered seeing a shade of blue among new art supplies that she knew Wendy really adored. She traced back her memory to hint of nervous smile and eyes avoiding hers.

 

It all came to Joohyun at once.

 

There was one glances too many that she noticed at the radio show but she dismissed as herself being too sensitive. Touches of reassurance that were given in the car on their way home after the show; thankful smiles being exchanged in the midst of commotion and she remembered Seulgi walking out of her shared room with Wendy, mumbling about having to go out and buy something and Wendy was in the bathroom, showering. There was a slight blush present on Seulgi’s cheek that Irene could recall so vividly now.

 

Irene gripped her glass.

 

She could not breathe.

 

Abruptly, she stood up and grabbed her phone, startling the maknaes in the process. Joy and Yeri stopped singing and Joy muted the audio of the karaoke machine, concerned over their oldest unnie frantic movement.

 

“Joohyun unnie, is everything okay?”

 

Yeri’s voice was soft, so unlike her usual playful self; she could see how unravelled Irene was at the moment.

 

“I…I’m sorry. I have to go home now. I need to check on something. Play nice okay kids? I’ll pay everything on my way out.”

 

She dashed out of the room, leaving her younger sisters behind. None of them spoke anything after Joohyun left and Yeri turned to Joy, as she always did when she was lost.

 

“Sooyoung unnie…do you think she has realized why Seulgi unnie acts strange these days?”

 

The sadness in Joy’s eyes and voice were unbidden as she looked at Yeri.

 

“I think so, Yerim. I believe she has.”

 

*

 

Irene was competitive, but she think she broke her own personal record as she got out of the manager’s car and rushed to her shared dorm with the members, one she had gotten comfortable enough to call as her home. Her foot tapped with unease in the elevator and her whole demeanour was jumpy. When she heard a sound indicating she had arrived at her floor, she ran out and quickly punched in the code at their front door. A hundred different thoughts ran through her mind at once but fear was her main emotion at the moment.

 

Irene was terrified out of her mind.

 

As soon as the door was opened, she barged in the house and stopped in front of the 94-liners’ room. Her hand trembled as she was about to knock the door but in the last minute, she changed her mind and latched on the doorknob before pushing the door open.

 

The sight that greeted her almost made her vision turned red from anger.

 

Wendy and Seulgi were both dozing off with the backs propped against their bed’s headboard. Seulgi’s arm were wrapped around Wendy’s waist tightly and Wendy looked serene as she rested her head on Seulgi’s shoulder. Meanwhile, Seulgi placed her head on Wendy’s as support and Irene absolutely hated how they depended on each other even when they were sleeping.

 

Granted, they had always depended on each other. As the years added up since their debut, the closer both of them got and Irene found out that both went to her less and less as the years grew, especially after both of them roomed together. Wendy used to annoy Irene with her endless questions about the things she was uncertain about (and there was a lot) and Seulgi would be teasing her at every chance she got. Now, she did not even remember how long had it been since she had one playful day with either of them.

 

Wendy was always looking at her with a sad smile plastered on her face and Irene could not bear the pain she felt in her own heart whenever that happened so she just avoided the younger girl.

 

And there was Seulgi, who avoided Irene suddenly and subtly that the leader almost did not realize it but now she understood the reason behind her avoidance; suddenly the hurt flashing behind Seulgi’s eyes that she detected before became more prominent.

 

Seulgi was in love with Wendy, who was in love with her.

 

Irene definitely had a problem with that because…she loved Wendy too.

 

She shook her head, trying to clear her mind from her thoughts and hoped she could chase away her anger in the process. Softly, she called out for Wendy.

 

“Seungwan. Son Seungwan.”

 

She watched as Wendy slowly stirred from her sleep, waking Seulgi up in the process. Both of them jumped apart from each other as they noticed Irene was at the front door.

 

“Unnie! I thought you went to the karaoke with Joy and Yeri!”

 

Irene could hear how nervous Wendy’s voice was and she hated it; she hated how Wendy felt like she was caught red-handed in the middle of an affair. Irene shifted her look to Seulgi and she noticed how the other girl just stared at her blankly, perfectly putting on a poker face she had worn for so long.

 

“I decide to come back early since you didn’t look too well. Come here, Wan ah. Sleep in my room tonight and I’ll take care of you.”

 

Wendy hesitated and turned around to watch Seulgi. Seulgi just gave nodded and gave Wendy a small smile. The silent permission seemed to relieve Wendy as she grabbed hold of one of her pillows and walked out of the room to the leader’s room. Seulgi was about to go back to sleep as Irene stepped in the room and closed the door. Seulgi immediately jolted up and in a voice thick of sleep, she voiced out a confused, “Unnie?”

 

“Stay away from Seungwan, Seulgi.”

 

Seulgi’s face hardened as she heard Irene’s words. The sleepiness she felt abruptly disappeared as she stood up and walked over to where Irene was standing. She stood straight in front of Irene but Irene seemed unfazed at all by Seulgi’s height advantage.

 

“She’s my member and roommate, why should I stay away from here? Besides, we are the only two people who have the same age in the group. It’s normal for us to be close, no?”

 

“Not when you have feelings for her that friends shouldn’t have.”

 

Seulgi’s calm expression turned shocked by Irene’s declaration but she chuckled almost immediately after she recovered from the shock.

 

“So that’s why? Because I like Seungwan a little too much? Why can’t I like her, unnie? She’s a big girl now, she should be able to think and make her own decisions herself. Why are you still trying to protect her? Or…are you trying to protect yourself?”

 

“I don’t want any discord within the group if anything happens between you.”

 

Seulgi ran her fingers through her hair in frustration at Irene’s words.

 

“Will anything happen between me and Seungwan when she obviously likes you?”

 

This time, it was Irene’s turn to be taken aback but she quickly recovered and put on her calm appearance again.

 

“I’m glad you’re aware of that. All the more reason you should stay away from her.”

 

“SHE’S HURT, UNNIE! Why can’t you see that? Why do you have to be so selfish?”

 

Seulgi raised her voice and pointed her index finger at Irene’s chest, trying to drum her point across. Irene who had been holding back her anger since she first stepped in the room could not handle the change of tone well and she exploded as well.

 

“I’m not selfish! I love her as well and she knows it! But I have to sacrifice for the sake of our group! It’s not easy for me as well, Kang Seulgi.”

 

“Yeah, I’m sure it’s hard for you to pretend to date a tall, handsome, kind and charming young man who is very obviously into you, geez. Whoever would want to be in your position?”

 

“Don’t be rude, I’m still your unnie.”

 

“And I’m losing my respect to you. You claim you love Seungwan, shouldn’t you be making sacrifice for her sake instead?”

 

“Love is not like fairytales!”

 

“FOR YOU! FOR YOU IT ISN’T! But I’m willing to give everything I have and more if I can if only I can make Seungwan happy! If she loves me, I’ll make her fairytales come true and not be a coward like you!”

 

Irene was about to shout something back when the door behind her swung open, almost hitting her if not for Seulgi’s fast reflex to pull her aside. Then they both froze, thinking it was Wendy but Joy and Yeri stepped in, panting as if they had been running.

 

“We…heard…raised voices.”

 

Joy spoke in between her panting and Yeri just nodded in agreement, too tired to even speak. Seulgi stared at the both of them, her hardened expression softened.

 

“It’s nothing, Sooyoung. Joohyun unnie is going to leave my room now.”

 

Joy nodded and tugged Irene’s hand, trying to drag her out of the room but Irene turned around at pointed angrily at Seulgi’s face.

 

“Stay away from Seungwan. Don’t meddle in our business.”

 

This time, Joy grabbed hold of Irene’s arm and pulled the oldest girl out of the room while Yeri stayed in Seulgi and Wendy’s room and closed the door as she watched her Joy unnie dragging her Irene unnie away. She looked at Seulgi and saw that the girl was sitting at the edge of her bed that was pushed together with Wendy’s bed a while back; Seulgi’s face was buried between her palms.

 

Yeri carefully approached Seulgi. She had seen Seulgi cried a few times. All of them had seen each other cried at some points but it scared Yeri to see Seulgi like this. Seulgi was a noisy crier, she did not usually hide her tears but this time, as she raised her head when she realized Yeri was there, Yeri did not see one drop of tears from Seulgi’s eyes. Instead, a hollow stare greeted her.

 

“Yerim ah. You’re still here? I thought you’re going together with Joy.”

 

Yeri sat beside Seulgi and leaned over to her unnie carefully.

 

“We decided on our way home just now that if something like this happened, we should separate the both of you.”

 

“Ah. I see.”

 

Seulgi nodded blankly and it hurt Yeri to see how the person she depended on became this broken. Her older sisters’ relationships were tearing all of them from the insides but Yeri could not blame them. She was not new to love; she knew how hard it was for someone to control themselves when they were in love so she was just prepared to be there for the damage control.

 

“Yerimmie. Why is loving someone so tiring…? I’m tired.”

 

Seulgi suddenly raised both of her legs and curled on her bed. Yeri could not answer the question and it seemed as if Seulgi was not really wishing for an answer anyway. The younger girl heard a sob breaking the silence in the room and as she scooted closer to Seulgi, she could feel the tremble from the girl’s body. Yeri tried her best to hug the Seulgi’s figure and she hummed a lullaby that she hoped would chase away Seulgi’s fears.

 

Tonight would be a long night.

 

*

 

Wendy woke up to whimpers of her name. She sat up instantly and realized she was in Irene’s room. The room was dark and the only source of light came from the gaps between the curtains and through it, Wendy could make out Irene’s silhouette.

 

Under the soft light, Irene looked even more beautiful for Wendy. Her pale face shone in the dark and her raven hair seemed to shine as it reflected the light. Just then, Irene whimpered again and Wendy realized why she was awake.

 

“Wan…sorry…stay.”

 

Wendy winced as she heard Irene’s words. She stroked the older girl’s hair lightly and that seemed to work in calming Irene down as her breathing deepened and became softer. Wendy took the opportunity to stare at Irene’s face and just think.

 

She knew how Irene truly felt about her and she was not exactly shy either in expressing her feelings towards her group’s leader. They had been dancing around their feelings for years and while neither of them made the first move, their feelings were clear in their actions.

 

That was why Wendy felt betrayed when Irene came home one day and announced that she was dating Park Bogum.

 

Even worse when the news was announced to the public.

 

“Urgh.”

 

Wendy ruffled her bangs in frustration. Irene had treated her like she always did before the news came out but Wendy had tried her best to avoid the older girl. It hurt to see Irene’s smiles and laughter and it hurt when she felt Irene’s touch. She tried her best to be indifferent but it was hard to fake her smiles when in every schedule they had, she would be drilled about BoRene over and over again. It was exhausting and took toll on her in so many ways.

 

Even now, with Irene beside her, she felt a huge wall between them. She could guess the reason why Irene agreed to date Bogum, but it still did not make things easy for her. Irene had always wanted to protect her but why could she not see that Wendy could protect herself too?

 

Her head hung low as she fell deeper into despair with the one name that kept on repeating in her mind. Wendy shook her head and stood up, tried to walk to the door with her wobbly steps. She thought of getting a drink before she headed back to bed but as she walked past her shared room with Seulgi, she stopped and entered the room cautiously.

 

What greeted her was the sight of Yeri cuddling over Seulgi, and a smile unknowingly made way to her face as she saw the adorable sight in front of her. It was weird though, since Yeri would never leave Joy alone in their room unless if they had a fight. Even then, she would usually sleep at the couch rather than barging into the unnies’ room. Wendy tiptoed her way to the bed and grabbed a huge comforter to cover them both when she noticed dried tearstains on Seulgi’s cheeks.

 

She crouched carefully beside Seulgi and caressed her friend’s cheek tenderly. Now she could see why Yeri would choose to sleep with her. The question was, _what happened?_

 

*

 

Wendy walked out of her room, her mind was buzzing with thoughts. She wondered why Seulgi cried and when, since her same aged friend seemed fine when they were fooling around before she fell asleep. And why did no one wake her up? She’s Seulgi’s best friend for god’s sake! They were all close but Seulgi never kept any secrets from her, so Wendy should be the best choice to comfort her, right?

 

As she mulled over these thoughts, a raspy voice broke her train of thoughts.

 

“Yerim? Is Seulgi unnie okay?”

 

Wendy trained her look at the couch and was met with a sleepy Joy who seemed surprised to see her.

 

“Seungwan unnie? I thought you’re sleeping in Joohyun unnie’s room just now?”

 

“I felt thirsty so I woke up. Sooyoung ah…”

 

Wendy walked over to where Joy was, making the younger girl nervous. She hugged her knees to her chest as Wendy took a seat beside her on the couch.

 

“Why are you sleeping here? Does it have something to do with why Seulgi cried?”

 

“How do you know Seulgi unnie cried?”

 

“I went in the room to check on her and I saw tearstains on her cheeks.”

 

“Ah…”

 

Joy nodded at this but she did not offer more explanations. Wendy poked Joy’s thigh in frustration.

 

“Well, are you going to tell me why?”

 

Joy just shrugged and gave Wendy one of her eyesmiles.

 

“Who knows? Probably she’s crying in her sleep?”

 

“That doesn’t explain why you’re sleeping here and Yeri is accompanying her in the room.”

 

Now Joy was amused. Wendy was really sharp, but why was it so hard for her to see Seulgi’s feelings?

 

Probably she chose to not see it, since all she could see was Irene.

 

“You can ask her tomorrow, unnie. How would I know? I’m not the one who’s sleeping in there with her. Goodnight unnie.”

 

Joy pulled a blanket over herself as she pushed Wendy using her feet to get in a comfortable sleeping position. Wendy just huffed and muttered a response to Joy’s goodnight wish as she stepped to kitchen to get her glass of drink.

 

She could barely sleep for the rest of the night. The image of Seulgi with tearstains on her cheeks occupied her mind fully and she almost forgot she was supposed to be worrying about her feelings over Irene Bae Joohyun.

 

*

 

The next morning, the tension in the air was so palpable that Joy wished she could use a knife to cut it and made it disappear. Alas, she was a mere human. She could only watch as her unnies shuffled around each other awkwardly.

 

Joy was the first one to wake up, so she became the front seat audience to the drama unfolding between her unnies. The first one to wake up among the three of them was Wendy, as usual. She walked out of Irene’s room with dishevelled bun and greeted Joy with a ‘Good morning’ before she headed to the kitchen and started preparing breakfast.

 

Joy scooted to the kitchen, wanting to help Wendy but she was dismissed easily.

 

“It’s okay Sooyoung. I got this. Just prepare the table for breakfast and clean up the couch you slept on last night, okay?”

 

Joy concurred and started doing what Wendy tasked her to do. They worked in silence for about 10 minutes when Irene came out of her room, eyes wandering around looking for Wendy. Joy watched as Irene’s gaze softened when she saw the back of their main vocalist flipping pancakes. Joy and Irene greeted each other as Irene walked over to the dining table and started to set it up, having small chat with Wendy.

 

It was not long before Yeri and Seulgi walked out of Wendy and Seulgi’s shared room. That was when the calm that settled between Joy, Wendy and Irene turned tense. Wendy greeted Seulgi cheerfully, though the tint of worry underneath her voice was obvious. Seulgi just replied with a nod, not sure if her voice would not break if she spoke while Irene just glared at Seulgi. Joy quickly called out for Seulgi to help her clean up the living room while Yeri settled to help Irene and Wendy in the kitchen, in hope to diffuse the awkward air.

 

It worked for about 10 minutes, before they all had to sit down around a same table and ate. They did not have a fixed place to sit but usually everyone just went to the same seat anyway, with Yeri sitting beside Joy, Seulgi with Wendy and Irene as the head of the table. This time, Irene sat at the place Seulgi usually sat with a stone cold face, daring anyone who wanted to challenge her to move.

 

None did, of course.

 

Instead, they all accommodated Irene. All except for Wendy.

 

“Unnie, is it okay if you change seat with Seulgi?”

 

The cold atmosphere crept in again and although Wendy seemed oblivious to it, the others were certainly feeling the change in the air.

 

“No. Sit now, Seungwan.”

 

“But why? You’re always sitting at the head of the table.”

 

Wendy rarely argued with Irene and she was aware that Irene’s mood was foul now but she could not understand the reason why she was suddenly being separated from her best friend, when Seulgi was clearly not okay and it was by their group leader out of all the people.

 

“And I want to sit beside you today, can’t I?”

 

“Unnie, you know I’d love to sit beside you anytime but I’m just asking that this one time, if you can be kind enough to change seat with Seulgi. She doesn’t look well and I want to talk to her.”

 

Wendy was slowly becoming exasperated by Irene’s sudden stubbornness but she still spoke calmly. Unfortunately, she adapted the wrong words and wrong intonation because Irene just exploded there and then.

 

“Then what about me?! Do you think I’m okay? No, of course you know but you can’t be bothered right? You’ll choose Seulgi over me right?”

 

The usually calm leader started shouting and Seulgi, Joy and Yeri flinched since they knew that Irene was not just talking about breakfast anymore. Wendy became more bewildered and Seulgi, sympathizing Wendy, volunteered to leave in order to diffuse the tension.

 

“It’s okay, Wan-ah. I’m going for a morning jog now, I’m not hungry yet. I’ll come back and eat later.”

 

Wendy threw Seulgi a concerned look and Seulgi just returned with a reassuring smile as she walked in their shared bedroom, got changed and left the house. Everyone else was silent as this happened but the moment Seulgi closed the door behind her, Irene pushed the plate in front of her lightly and stood.

 

“I’ll be in my room. Don’t bother me, I’m having lunch with Bogum later.”

 

Wendy wanted to pull Irene’s wrist and talk about what was bothering her leader but the moment she heard Bogum’s name, she just nodded and lowered her head. She did not notice Irene’s face that contorted with pain as she stole a glance at Wendy before leaving and missed the sad expression marring Joy and Yeri’s face as they watched their second family falling apart right before their eyes.

 

*

 

Running calmed Seulgi. She found something pleasing when she ran, with her fast heartbeat pumping blood throughout her whole body, pushing her as she ran and the sound of her heavy breath and the wind rang in her ears.

 

It made her stop thinking.

 

For a while, she forgot about her best friend that she was in love with, and her leader who was livid at her for feelings she could not control. She could forget how sorry she was towards Joy and Yeri for being the person who tore apart the happiness that was once in their small abode.

 

Running might seem like a form of escape but Seulgi was never once to run away from her problems. She knew it was only a temporary reprieve before she went back and faced whatever it weighing her down heads on.

 

For now, she prolonged her break as she sat outside the convenience store and gulped from the bottle of orange juice that she just bought. She should really get away soon before there were more people around and she got recognized. Just as the thought crossed her mind, Seulgi felt a light slap on her back and she turned around and smiled when she saw Amber’s grinning face.

 

*

 

“So let me get this straight - although there’s barely anything straight here. Seungwan likes Joohyun unnie, and Joohyun unnie likes her back although she’s dating that cult guy. And to add to the mess, you like Seungwan?”

 

Seulgi became alarmed by Amber’s loud voice and she looked around frantically, trying to make sure they were not followed but Amber just waved her hand dismissively.

 

“Don’t worry. I’ve been an idol for years. I would know if there are any fans or cameras following us around right now. I’m not an idiot to speak that out loud otherwise.”

 

“I’m sorry, I’m just-”

 

“Yeah, I understand. Must be hard since you’ve been keeping it to yourself all these while. I don’t think it’s the paps or fans or me you’re scared of, right?”

 

Amber ruffled her hoobae’s hair, her eyes that normally shone bright was dimmed by the sympathy Seulgi could sense. She thrusted Amber’s hand away from her and thought of the older girl’s words.

Not like Amber was wrong. After all these years, even admitting to herself out loud that she liked her best friend was hard, not to mention telling it to someone else. At least now she felt like she could breathe. Someone else knew and was not judging her for it. She could relieve the pressure she had been carrying around with her since the first time she stumbled in the practice room and heard Wendy sang.

 

She could cry in someone’s hug now.

 

And that was exactly what she did with Amber as she sobbed in Amber’s arms and her sunbae, the person who took care of her during her trainee period rubbed her back gently.

 

“It’s okay, Butterfly. Cry now and take off even more beautifully after this. It’s just a short hiccup in your flight, I promise.”

 

But Seulgi knew all too well that butterflies did not have long lives.

 

Their wings would snap sooner than anyone could expect.

 

*

 

Irene did not know how she let herself be cornered by Joy and Yeri. Worse, they did not seem intimidated at all by her usual glare. She sensed that Yeri cowered a little but Joy did not back down. In other times, it was an almost admirable quality – looking how mature Joy had become and how the girl who craved their affection all the time now could stand on her own feet and protected others.

 

But now was not the time. Irene was supposed to have lunch with Bogum and Wendy was in the house, she could possibly hear what they were talking about. Irene did not understand why she did not want Wendy to know. There was a sense of fear that tugged her gut every time she thought of what Wendy would do if she found out Seulgi liked, no, _loved_ her.

She was certainly aware that a few times when she called after Wendy as she stared at Seulgi, she could still see the wistful ‘what ifs’ written on the vocalist’s face, before it was chased away by a bright smile and gleaming eyes full of love for her, Irene Bae Joohyun.

 

She did not want to see Wendy’s ‘what ifs’ turned to the look Wendy had always given Irene. She could not do it. She would be destroyed.

 

“Unnie, let’s talk in the car. I’ve already told the manager we need to chat for a bit before you go.”

 

Irene wanted to protest but she sighed in defeat before she followed her two maknaes. She knew she had already done some great blunders as their leader today after she put Joohyun first before Irene.

 

When they settled in the car and their manager waited outside to give them privacy to talk, the fight started.

 

“Unnie. You shouldn’t act that way with Seulgi unnie.”

 

Even the opening was enough to set Irene off.

 

“I don’t get it Sooyoung! Why are you and Yerim siding with Seulgi? Can’t I love Wendy?”

 

“Unnie, you got it all wrong. We’re not siding with anyone. We just want the best for all of you.”

 

“And me being out of the equation is the best for everyone?”

 

Joy stared deadpanned at Irene as she heard what the leader said.

 

“Unnie, you have Bogum oppa. It’s not fair for him, Wendy unnie or Seulgi unnie at all.”

 

“I’m doing this to protect the group!”

 

“Unnie.” Joy called out to Irene softly. “We’re grateful that you care about us this much but we’re not children anymore. We can protect ourselves. If you give up on your own happiness to be the group’s martyr, do you think any of us will be glad about that?”

 

Joy’s words struck a nerve on Irene. She fumbled for reply but she could not find any. Joy smiled at Irene sadly as Irene thought of their last music video shoot, the last happy moment they all shared together before her dating news was out.

 

Joy was right. Irene was too blinded by her desire to protect the group, she could not see that they were not the kids anymore. She was too busy sacrificing herself, she did not even bother to ask the others whether they needed it or not. She was in the wrong. And as a result…Irene remembered the time when she was walking over to where her members were sitting, trying to get to where Wendy was and the clench in her heart as she saw Wendy playfully hid her face slightly behind Seulgi’s shoulder trying to hide her laugh over Joy and Yeri’s teasing while Seulgi smiled fondly at Wendy’s antics.

 

It was a happy memory but it tore Irene’s heart apart.

 

Irene might lose the family she worked hard to protect and in the process, let the person she loved most slipped away from her.

 

*

 

Lunch with Bogum was not unusual, and the silence between them was not something out of place. However, there was something different from the usual comfortable silent they shared and Bogum picked the vibe fast.

 

“Joohyun noona, are you feeling alright?”

 

Irene got startled and raised her head to see her boyfriend’s concerned face. Bogum had always worried too much about her and while she was grateful being cared by him that way, it also bothered her that he worried more about her than loved her.

 

Then again, who was she to say that, when she herself was too busy covering up her guilt rather than cherishing his presence.

 

“Yeah, sorry. I went out late with Joy and Yeri last night so I’m a bit sleepy.”

 

“You’re going to start your tour soon, take care of your health more, okay? I can’t check up on you often when you start being on the move and I’m busy with my drama.”

 

Irene nodded and bit her lip, the worry was evident on her face that Bogum almost asked what was wrong. He held himself back though, he knew his girlfriend was keeping a lot of things from him and he did not want to be pushy.

 

But it hurt to be left in the dark when it came to the person you loved.

 

*

 

Seulgi came back to an (almost) empty house.

 

At this hour of the day, usually they would be gathered around watching TV and eating snacks but when she saw Joy’s sandals and Yeri’s converse missing, she could guess that they were not around. Irene was probably off for her lunch with Bogum as well, since Seulgi made sure to hang out with Amber until early noon, just to escape meeting Irene. The only person left was…

 

As if on cue, the window to her shared room with Wendy opened and Seulgi gulped nervously as she saw Wendy walked out with her oversized sweater and shorts that was just _too short, again_. Meanwhile, Wendy crossed her arms and tapped one foot almost impatiently.

 

“I thought I heard the door opened so I thought that you might be back.” A pause. “I guess I was right.”

 

Seulgi could not answer with words, so she just nodded and she walked to where Wendy was standing, trying to get in their room but Wendy quickly reached out and held her wrist, preventing her from walking further.

 

“W-Wan, I need to go and shower. I sweated a lot just now and I smell horrendous.”

 

Wendy frowned and shook her head.

 

“No, you smell fine to me. Have you had breakfast?”

 

Seulgi coughed slightly, trying to chase away the blush that was threatening to appear and she hummed as the answer to Wendy’s question. “Yeah, I bumped into Amber unnie just now so we had brunch together.”

 

“Ah, Amber unnie.” Wendy released the hold she had on Seulgi, her face lowering so Seulgi could not see her expression but her voice tone screamed ‘DANGER!!!’ to Seulgi. “You left us, the people you call family in order to eat with her? I see how it is.”

 

“What? No, it’s not like that Wendy. She was grabbing her breakfast at the convenience store and we chatted a bit. Then I convinced her to eat something healthier with me, since that unnie is useless at taking care of herself.”

 

Wendy did not meet Seulgi’s eyes as she spoke. “Go and shower, Sseul. We’ll talk later.”

 

Seulgi hesitantly nodded. If this was two days ago, she would have forced Wendy to talk to her and resolved whatever it was that felt awkward between them. But right now, she wanted to just follow Wendy’s pace, since she did not know anymore how to navigate herself out from the maze she was in.

 

*

 

Wendy thought she knew what jealousy felt like.

 

It came with a sharp rush on her chest that made it hard for her to breathe; it crept in like a spider, with legs that clutched on her heart too sharp and too strong until she bled and she wanted to avert her eyes and cover her ears to the feeling that she had never invited.

 

Good girls should not be jealous.

 

But other good girls had not met Irene. At least, that was how it worked for Wendy. She was never jealous with other people; always so ready to forgive and share but when it came to Irene, her possessiveness and love scared even her.

 

Jealousy had always been a feeling especially reserved for Irene.

 

So why was she clutching the front of her shirt right now, trying to chase away her spider when it was just Seulgi?

 

*

 

Seulgi walked out of shower with her hair wet, wearing only pair of trousers and a striped tank top. She was drying her hair with a towel when she noticed Wendy was sitting cross-legged on her own bed, eyes boring into her form as she slowly rose and made her way to where Seulgi was standing, stopping directly in front of Seulgi with only a few inches separating them.

 

She could almost feel Wendy’s warm breath against her cold face and when she tried to turn around and escaped the knot that was forming in her heart, Wendy grabbed her towel, stopping her.

 

“Let me help you dry your hair.”

 

Hesitantly, Seulgi nodded. Wendy wrapped the towel around Seulgi’s head, lightly mussing her hair and massaged her head, all the time while looking right at her. Seulgi had to remind herself to breathe and even when she did, she felt her breath caught in her throat, too nervous with Wendy’s actions today.

 

“Did I do something wrong to you?”

 

Wendy’s soft voice broke the awkward silence between them and Seulgi was quick to deny.

 

“No. It’s just…I’m bad at skinship and you know that.”

 

“It’s just me, you know that. You’re not this uncomfortable when Joohyun unnie does it.”

 

“Because it’s you, I’m not comfortable.” Seulgi spoke quietly and it seemed to have a repellent effect on Wendy as she dropped the towel she was holding to the ground and took a few steps back from Seulgi as hurt coloured her face.

 

“I make you uncomfortable?”

 

Seulgi realized how her words was interpreted when she saw her best friend’s face and she reached forward, trying to grab hold of Wendy’s shoulder, only to be deflected by Wendy’s palm. She wanted to curse herself for hurting the woman she loved but at this point, she was too tired to be angry and too defeated to make up excuses.

 

“Yes, you do. You make me very uncomfortable.” Seulgi took a few steps forward and Wendy slowly backed away from her, their eyes still not leaving each other. “You make me breathless every time you touch me and I have to remind myself that it’s okay to breathe, that it’s just you. You make me hope every time you take my hand in yours but then it crashes whenever I see you do the same with Joohyun unnie and look at her with those-those beautiful eyes of yours that would never look at me the same way.”

 

Wendy’s knees hit the edge of the bed and she fell on it as she scrambled backward, trying to move away from Seulgi as her eyes widened when she processed Seulgi’s words. Seulgi laughed frustratingly but she continued crawling on bed to Wendy, approaching the other girl.

 

“I tried my best to fight against it, Wan ah. I told myself it’s okay to remain as ‘just friends’ if it means I can stay by your side. I wasn’t raised to be greedy but when it comes to you, it’s hard not to when you’re so close to me…but so far away at the same time. For once in my life, I want to be selfish so badly.”

 

By now, Seulgi was trapping Wendy’s frame between her arms, the mattress dipped where Seulgi’s knees and palms pressed against it and their faces again was merely inches apart. A few drops of water from Seulgi’s still damp hair dripped and fell on Wendy’s face, as if crying for Seulgi as she spoke about her raw feelings.

 

Seulgi moved closer to Seungwan, her face slowly closing the small gap between them and by then, they were breathing in each other’s breaths with Wendy’s eyes never leaving Seulgi’s. Her eyes were confused but there was also a question being asked in them, and a deeply embedded trust that Seulgi was used to seeing.

 

Somehow, the position they were trapped in reminded Seulgi too much of when she was running, with her heartbeat roaring in her ears, ruling all the other sounds but this time, it was the sound of Wendy’s breath and her own fast heartbeats that overwhelmed all the other sense.

 

“I’m sorry.”

 

Seulgi muttered those words and stopped herself just before her mouth met Wendy’s and in a flash, she moved away from Wendy, angry at herself. She did not even hear Wendy calling out her name as she grabbed her hoodie and cap before running out from the house, leaving a hollow Wendy behind.

 

*

 

“Let’s take a break.” Irene’s soft voice came did not come as a surprise to Bogum, but it still hurt him to hear it.

 

In fact, he was a little angry over how easy it was for Irene to just break his heart. “I need to know the reason why.”

 

Irene shot him a sad smile before answering. “You know why, Bogum-ah. You’ve known since the beginning that I entered this relationship with just half a heart, right?”

 

Bogum leaned away from Irene and his jaw tightened. He opened his mouth, trying to speak before closing them again and shaking his head, a sardonic smile formed on his face. Irene was taken aback by such display from the usually docile Bogum but it should be expected. After all, he was still a human who knew heartbreak and pain.

 

“But still, you were the one who approached me, knowing my feelings for you. You were the one who suggested we got together, the one who pushed to make our relationship public. Now you just want to…stop? I’ve always heard that beautiful women are cruel, but I never thought I would actually experience it myself.”

 

“Don’t.” Irene raised her voice slightly, losing her calm before taking a deep breath, trying to regain her composure. There was no point in adding to the tension in the atmosphere. “Don’t say that. It’s not about someone else, it’s about me. I’m sorry, I didn’t know myself. I shouldn’t have given you false hope in the first place. I’m the one to be blamed in this matter. I’m truly sorry.”

 

This time, she lowered her pride as someone older and bowed to Bogum, sincerely apologizing over her shortcomings. She saw Bogum stood from the corner of her eyes and he almost growled when he spoke to her next.

 

“I’ll have to leave, noona. I might do or say something I regret if I stay here with you. Don’t worry, I won’t reveal that you’re actually a cheating bitch who’s in love with her own groupmate to others, and I won’t publically break off our relationship. Not yet.”

 

He stormed out of the private dining room and Irene collapsed on her knees. She wanted to be curious on how did he find out in the first place but the storm in her heart just spelled one word for now: relief.

 

*

 

“You almost kissed Wendy? Dang Seulgi, after all these years of keeping your feelings bottled, you sure can be bold. That was your line in ‘Happiness’ wasn’t it? Sometimes, you gotta be bold. Hah, that suits you indeed!”

 

Amber talked with her mouth full of ramyeon, almost spitting some of the pieces out as she flailed her chopsticks around, mainly jabbing it at Seulgi’s direction. Seulgi did not respond immediately. Instead she just twirled around her ramyeon, lost in thoughts.

 

“I think she will hate me after this. Right, unnie?”

 

“Well, if you didn’t run out, you would’ve known for sure right now, won’t you?” Amber swallowed the ramyeon in her mouth before pulling Seulgi’s portion of cup ramyeon when it was clear that Red Velvet’s resident foodie had lost her appetite. She started slurping the slightly swollen ramyeon as she waited for Seulgi to speak again.

 

“I mean, it’s obvious that she likes Joohyun unnie. I just made things awkward between her and me when it’s already hard enough for her to cope with all the stuffs with Bogum oppa and Joohyun unnie. Before this, I could be there for her but now…I’m not sure that she will even want me around.”

 

“Well, just because you’re in love with her, it doesn’t mean you will suddenly stop being her best friend, right?”

 

“No, but!” Seulgi tousled her hair roughly as she tried to order her thoughts. “What if she thinks that all these time, I was just by her side as her best friend because I like her? What if she thinks that I’m an opportunist who wishes for her to wake up one day and realize she has been in love with me all along? What if she thinks I’ve been taking advantage of her and be close to her just to touch her or something?”

 

“Well, did you?”

 

“No! I love her as my best friend first before-before I love her as…as….more! Even if she rejects me, I don’t want to leave her side. I’d rather stay as her best friend than being pushed aside by her.”

 

Amber leaned back in her seat as she rubbed her slightly round stomach.

 

“Well, why are you telling me all of these, and not Wendy herself?”

 

Seulgi’s round eyes looking back at her prompted a loud laughter before Amber coughed out loud from choking over her own laughter.

 

*

 

Irene closed the door to their house quietly. It was dark in there, so she assumed everyone was out. She was a little concerned about Seulgi whom she had not seen since this morning but her pride kept her from finding out. It was fine, the night was early. If she did not come back until past midnight, Irene would raise hell. Now, it was probably better for all of them to cool off. From the silence, she guessed the maknaes were still out but where was Wendy? Could she be out with Seulgi? She had said that she wanted to wait for Seulgi in the house before Irene left.

 

Irene sauntered across the living room to get to her room when she saw a crouching figure on the couch. The blond hair that shone in the dark clued her on who it was and Irene rushed over to her side.

 

“Hey, why are you sitting in the dark?” Irene tenderly touched Wendy’s arm and Wendy raised her head groggily. It was apparent that she had fallen asleep in that uncomfortable position. Irene was concerned over how exhausted Wendy looked and she almost seemed like she had been crying.

 

“Oh…it’s you, unnie. I thought it’d be Seulgi.”

 

“She still hasn’t come back since her morning jog?”

 

Wendy shook her head which made a part of her messy bangs stuck to her face. “She came back this afternoon…and she left soon after.”

 

Irene breathed a sigh of relief. At least Seulgi was fine then. She might be angry at Seulgi because of her own selfish reason but she was still concerned about her member who was like a younger sister for her. But what happened between the two of them that made Wendy become this way?

 

“Did she say anything before she left? Everything alright between the two of you?”

 

Wendy went silent for a long time before she eventually spoke.

 

“She…almost kissed me.”

 

Irene almost pushed away the couch with the back of her knees as she abruptly stood, if not for Wendy who was sitting still, holding the couch on its place. Wendy seemed to realize the feeling her words triggered in Irene as she widened her eyes and shook her head.

 

“It’s okay, unnie. It’s fine, she was not really herself just now, so I’m worried.” Wendy’s expression fell as she softly spoke soon after. “To be honest, I don’t think I would’ve minded if it really happened.”

 

Irene saw red at Wendy’s words but she took a deep breath, trying to calm herself down but the effect backfired in the worst way.

 

Instead of anger, there was a sob pushing out of her mouth, one she tried so hard to hold back but eventually escaped. Wendy’s eyes widened when she heard it.

 

“Unnie…”

 

“I-I broke up with Bogum, Wendy.”

 

Both of them froze, not knowing what to say or where to go, not when they had never spoken about their deepest feelings or acknowledged openly what they harboured for one another. But now, Wendy had spoken of someone else in the same way Irene thought of her and there was no way they could just pretend it never happened.

 

“Oh unnie, are you okay? I’m sorry, I should’ve been more attentive to your feelings.”

 

Irene wanted to scream when she saw the worried eyes and how Wendy grasped their hands together – no, she was not okay. She did not know how to fine when Wendy looked at her with hesitance instead of love. She was also mad at the way Wendy shifted her attention fully on Irene, as if the younger girl was not the broken one a moment ago.

 

“It’s okay, Wendy. Don’t worry, I’ll be fine.”

 

Before Irene could finish speaking, Wendy enveloped her in a tight hug and as the smell of vanilla filled her sense, Irene let her guards down. She buried her face in Wendy’s shoulder and cried as she thought of everything that went wrong because of her.

 

She was the one at fault. She was the reason all of them were caught up in this entangled mess of emotions and heartaches and Irene could not stop hating herself for not being enough, for being too selfish. She thought she was protecting everyone that mattered to her but she just ended up burning a beautifully built house.

 

The sound of the front door being closed startled both of them. A silhouette silently approached and when she was near, Wendy and Irene almost jumped apart when they saw Seulgi bitterly smiled in their direction.

 

“Hi. I just got back from Amber unnie’s house. I’m gonna wash up and go to sleep now.”

 

She turned around and strode to her shared room with Wendy, leaving without another word. Irene felt rather than saw Wendy trying to follow Seulgi and she quickly grabbed hold of Wendy’s arms. When their eyes met, Irene saw the sadness in Wendy’s eyes and a silent pleading for her to let go.

 

So she did.

 

She let Wendy go.

 

*

 

Seulgi used to pick four-leaf clovers when she was younger and she remembered that at one time, she found close to 30 of those after scouring the field for several hours – until her tan deepened a few shades darker than her usual sun-kissed skin. She only stopped when her father called her for lunch and she recalled running over to him while waving her haul enthusiastically.

 

She tackled him and the rang of his laughter at that time was still clear as he scooped her into one of his infamous bear hugs as she whined because her precious clovers were almost crushed. Seulgi remembered forcing some of the clovers in the open palm of her father who chuckled and refused her with a fond, “It’s okay, princess. You were the one who found them, so they’re all yours.”

 

Yet she insisted; she wanted him to be the first person to receive a precious wish and so he took it gently, like it was a gift from God – just like when he first held a new-born Seulgi in his arms.

 

Seulgi tucked a clover by her mother’s ear and hid some in her favourite books, wanting them to be little surprises for her one day, even when Seulgi was not around.

 

She pondered a lot about giving a few for her brother but she eventually gave in and placed some by his study table, knowing that he would quietly appreciate the little gift. He would never say it out loud and vehemently denied if someone asked him but she knew that he also believed in four-leaf clover’s magic just like her.

 

Seulgi went on a mission that day. She gave some to her neighbours’ children, to her best friends in school and at the end of the day, she was only left with one tenth of what she had initially but she had never been happier. She sat cross-legged on her bed and placed the three remaining clovers side by side, looking at them as she wondered what should she wish for.

 

The first one was easy. She wished happiness for the people she loved, always. The second one was a little selfish, so she spoke it in hushed whisper and stole glances as she made sure no one was around to hear it. She wished her hardest for her dream to become true. Even then as a young child, she wanted to be a singer. She knew that there was nothing else she wanted to do in life if it did not involve singing and dancing.

 

The third wish was the hardest, since Seulgi was never one who asked for much. A flash of the way her father looked at her mother came to mind at that moment and she knew there and then what was going to be her final wish.

 

“I wish that one day, I’ll be in love with someone that is as kind as appa and selfless like umma. I want to be with someone who makes me feel like I’m enough by just being myself, someone that can make me smile without trying and make me feel like I’m the luckiest person in this by them just being themselves.”

 

Sometimes when she gazed at Wendy, she wondered if her final wish had brought Wendy to her.

 

And maybe she was not wishing hard enough back then for Wendy to be with her.

 

*

 

Seulgi got startled when she heard her bedroom door being pushed open. She crumpled her fists and sucked her lips, ready for a confrontation if the person coming in was Irene but when she turned around and saw Wendy hesitantly looking at her, she let out a small “Oh” and relaxed her posture.

 

But it was not for long as she remembered what happened that afternoon between her and Wendy. When the events crossed her mind, she felt like bolting out of the room but she forced herself to stay; mentally planting her feet in the floor as she searched for the right word to say.

 

Seulgi blurted out “Sorry” at the same time Wendy softly asked “Why?”

 

The awkwardness between the two friends grew and Seulgi almost burst out crying when Wendy closed the door and walked to her bed, sitting down before gesturing for Seulgi to sit on her own bed as well. Seulgi obediently did as was asked and for a few moments, no one said anything before Wendy took a deep breath and broke the silence between them.

 

“What were you apologizing for?” The question was simple but Seulgi felt her breath caught in her throat as she stuttered out a response.

 

“For…for almost kissing you. For saying the things I said. It wasn’t supposed to happen, I’m sorry Wan. Please treat me like you usually do, like…those never happened.”

 

Her last words came in broken whispers and Seulgi looked at Wendy sadly as she tried to gauge the smaller girl’s response. If it was another person, Seulgi would have expected to be slapped, to be shouted at or maybe a look of disgust being directed at her but this was Wendy. Kind, sweet and selfless Wendy. Wendy looked tired and Seulgi guessed she had probably been crying when she noticed the obvious eyebags on Wendy’s face.

 

It was all because of her. Seulgi turned away from Wendy, guilt filling her whole being as she realized she was the cause of Wendy’s tears.

 

“Did you mean them though, Sseul?”

 

Wendy’s soft voice pierced the air between them again and Seulgi looked at Wendy again, smiling bitterly before answering.

 

“I never lied to you, Seungwan. I wouldn’t have started now. I meant it, all of it.”

 

Silence fell between them again and Seulgi spoke carefully after a few seconds of silence. Her words measured and heavy, a reflection of her own feelings.

 

“I understand if you feel uncomfortable with me now. I know how you feel about Joohyun unnie and I can’t compete with that. You’ve been in love with her for…” Seulgi was close to sobbing but she tried her best to regain control of her own voice again. “For about as long as I am in love with you. It can’t be easy to let years of feeling go just like that so, I just, I wish you can give me some time. I’ll learn to get over this, I promise. I can be your best friend again just like before.”

 

Wendy seemed to be pondering over this while Seulgi waited nervously for her reaction. Her thoughts were running wild, blaming herself over and over again for ruining their friendship and taking the risk she would normally avoid. She thought she could live seeing Irene and Wendy together but tried as she might, she could not bear to think of a life without Wendy being by her side, even if they merely stayed friends.

 

“Joohyun unnie broke up with her boyfriend.”

 

Seulgi’s mouth dropped at this and she felt herself being torn in two. One side of her wanted to go to Irene and comforted her and another side of her wanted to encourage Wendy to take this window of opportunity, to seize her chance and make Irene hers but Wendy’s next words stripped her from all of her thoughts.

 

“I should probably be happy over that right? But all I could think of was you. How you would feel hearing this news and if you would…react like this.”

 

“I want the best for you.”

 

“I’m a grown woman, Sseul. I know how to think for myself. I know that I wished you had kissed me this afternoon and I can’t stop thinking how disgusting I am for claiming to like Joohyun unnie but at the same time craves for the littlest contact with you; I even got jealous of you spending time with Amber unnie but I just accepted it whenever Joohyun unnie went out with Bogum these days. These things are driving me crazy, Seulgi. I’m supposed to be in love with Joohyun unnie.”

 

Wendy’s eyes started watering as she stared directly at Seulgi.

 

“Not...not you.”

 

Seulgi was at loss for words and before she knew it, she was sitting right beside Wendy on her bed and she quietly embraced the vocalist who started sobbing, crying her heart out on Seulgi’s shoulder as she was confused over her feelings for two people. It was hard for Seulgi to wrap her head around the turn of events as well. She was supposed to be heartbroken over being rejected by Wendy but hearing that Wendy might actually like her back?

 

Mental.

 

The little selfishness in Seulgi that rarely showed itself roared loudly now, wanting to be heard over the mass of confusion and wild thoughts running in her mind. The dormant part in Seulgi’s heart grew rapidly, taking over her better judgement and her self control and before she knew it, she let her deepest desire out before she could hold them back.

 

“Seungwan, can you give me a chance?”

 

*

 

They took it slowly, carefully. Learning as they walked in the same path on how to take things in stride, to never let their hold of each other loosened even when they were tired.

 

Seulgi learned a harsh way how much work was actually needed to maintain the love between two people. It was not all sunshine, rainbow and butterflies once you were in a relationship, no. Seulgi saw storms, rainy days and dark clouds that felt suffocating sometimes; though she knew the good days she had would always be more – more than any bad days.

 

But sometimes when she was smiling, she wondered if it was okay to be happy over someone’s suffering.

 

Wendy was giving her all to Seulgi, or at least she was trying her best. Seulgi could see Wendy’s effort and she appreciated and loved Wendy even more for that but her insecurity got the best of her a lot of times.

 

Sometimes she caught Irene’s eyes staring longingly at Wendy and when the leader realized she was being watched, Irene snapped out of it and went on her business as usual. She would get antsy whenever Irene and Wendy were left in the house alone or went on schedules together without other members. It was irrational, she knew what kind of person Wendy was and Irene would never intentionally hurt her that way, not when Wendy told her of what happened the night Irene and Bogum broke up.

 

But Irene was Wendy’s ‘Best Female of this Generation’, the most popular member of Red Velvet whose beauty captivated the world, the person with so many hidden charms and the leader who took care of them the most.

 

Seulgi was just Seulgi.

 

Irene seemed to sense this when she pulled Seulgi aside one day and solemnly spoke. “We need to talk.”

 

Seulgi looked around uneasily, tried to figure out an escape. She had been awkward around Irene ever since Irene stormed in her room warning her to stay away from Wendy; they looked fine on stage but backstage or at home, both avoided being alone with each other.

 

“Please, Seulgi. Wendy has a schedule now and it’s the only time I can talk to you.”

 

Seulgi resigned and nodded as she followed Irene to the leader’s room. She noticed Joy and Yeri was not around and wondered if Irene had been planning to talk to her for a while.

 

“I’m sorry.” That was Irene first words and Seulgi blinked rapidly, not sure how to react.

 

“I was being too selfish. I was scared of breaking the group apart so much that in the end, I ended up being the one who came the closest to break us. I love Seungwan but Seulgi, all four of your girls are precious to me. I want to see every single one of you happy…” There was pain in Irene’s voice and expression and Seulgi wanted to so badly hug her old friend but there were still too many unsettled feelings between them for her to do that.

 

“You make Seungwan smile again, Seulgi. And that’s important for me.”

 

Seulgi managed to find her voice, croaking a small, “Unnie, you don’t have to sacrifice yourself for us.”

 

“I realize that too late, Seulgi ah. All of you deserve to be with people who are brave enough to love you despite everything, unlike someone like me.”

 

Seulgi went silent at this. Irene appeared calm as she spoke but Seulgi had known her long enough to know that these things were haunting her at nights before she went to sleep, with regret and longing becoming the constant companions during her waking hours.

 

Her heart ached for Irene, but she knew this would not be enough for her to give Wendy up.

 

“I’m sorry too, Joohyun unnie. I wish things have turned out differently, maybe if we don’t love the same person…but I know Seungwan loved, no, loves you still unnie. I think she will always love you. And you love her too. Maybe I’m the one who doesn’t belong in this story.”

 

The hurt in her voice was so palpable, she felt horrible for saying things that might give Irene hope when she knew how painful it would be. Surprisingly, Irene did not say anything but she took up Seulgi’s hand and held it tight, becoming a source of comfort for Seulgi like before, when they were trainees and Seulgi was scared when she was losing her voice.

 

“It’s not easy to unlove someone, Seulgi. Moreover it’s the person who managed to tear down my walls completely and showed me that I deserve to love and be loved once again. I believe it’s the same case for Seungwan, she won’t just say yes to your confession because she wants to hurt me and hurting you is never on her list. She loves you, she loves you very much.”

 

There was a heavy silence in the air as Seulgi processed Irene’s words. The three of them were making sacrifice in their own ways – trying their best to not hurt each other but love is complicated and it tangled their friendships into twisted and messy knots, leaving them clueless on how to unravel it and be happy just like they were before unnecessary emotions took over.

 

“Seungwan is trying her best. She knew it won’t be easy for you to live with the thoughts that she used to love me and she talked about this with me once – and that is why I’m here talking to you. She made me remember that in this world, there are more people I’d been blessed with, people I can’t bear to lose. One of them is you, Kang Seulgi.”

 

No one was sure who was the first one to make a move but suddenly they were both hugging each other, sobbing and leaning on one another’s shoulders. They mumbled through strings of apologies and barely comprehensible recounting of their old memories together before they both laid on Irene’s bed, exhausted by the emotional breakdown and crying their hearts out.

 

Seulgi’s eyelids were heavy and she struggled to keep them open. Just before she succumbed to sleep, she heard Irene so softly whispered something, she was not sure whether she was dreaming or it was real.

 

“Take care of Seungwan and don’t make her sad, alright? I won’t hesitate to sweep her off her feet if you don’t treat her right. But if you make her happy…I’m happy too.”

 

*

 

Wendy was not blind to the feelings of the people surrounding her. She especially understood her girlfriend’s fear and insecurity. If she was to be honest, she could not blame Seulgi at all.

 

It was difficult to erase Irene in her heart; in fact, she did not think she could ever do it. She suspected that Seulgi knew that there would ever be a special place in her heart for Irene and if Seulgi was hurt, she never showed it to Wendy.

 

Not that Wendy did not notice Seulgi’s eyes lingered a little longer than usual whenever Wendy was by Irene’s side, laughing over something or just standing on stage in their positions. She recognized the look of “what ifs” in Seulgi’s gaze and each time she noticed them, she tried her best to make it up even more for Seulgi.

 

Like the time in the airport when Wendy dropped her phone by accident and Irene grabbed the device on the floor quickly and passed it back before Wendy could even spot the position of the fallen phone. Wendy glanced and saw Seulgi watched the whole scene but she did not say anything, she never did when it came to Wendy and Irene. Wendy rushed to Seulgi’s side and held her hand then as they walked together, squeezing Seulgi’s palm in assurance – a silent promise that she would always be there.

 

Seulgi, who loved Wendy more than she loved herself.

 

Seulgi, whose smile became Wendy’s strength.

 

Seulgi, whose selflessness repaired the bond of their group that was slowly falling apart.

 

Wendy would try her best for the rest of their lives together to give Seulgi a love she deserved.

 

Even if a part of her heart was still beating for Irene, she would not deny that the part that loved Seulgi grew slowly day by day.

 

*

 

It took a while before Irene would eventually made peace with Bogum, and even longer before it was announced to the world that BoRene had broken up, although both sides agreed that they would remain as friends.

 

There was a certain pride that grew within her when she could first talk to Bogum normally after their ‘break up’. They were both bitter and angry for the wrong reasons initially but after being forced to go on scheduled ‘dates’ together, they learned more about each other and tolerance.

 

Bogum understood that Irene would never love her the way he loved her.

 

Irene did not take Bogum’s feelings for granted but became more honest of her own.

 

It came to a point when Irene was able to cry in Bogum’s arms, venting over the fact of how hurt she was about the fact that she had lost the person she loved most in the entire world to her best friend and these were the two people she wanted happy more than anyone else.

 

She grew closer again with Seulgi and managed to mostly put behind her awkwardness with Wendy. She amended things with Joy and Yeri and on the surface, everything appeared fine. Irene was bubbly and well but Joohyun was withering inside.

 

She would live. She would survive, but she did not know if she would love anyone else the way she loved Wendy and she knew she would never do anything to jeopardize Wendy and Seulgi’s relationship.

 

Irene learned the hard way that love between two people alone would not be enough when neither of them was brave enough to take actions on it. She lived to see how love could grow if one person could get past her fears and insecurities and acted upon love. She could speak of regret and missed opportunities in the quiet but she would not dare to get in between the person she loved and her lover – not when she had been given a chance but she ran away from it.

 

Wendy deserved the best person in the world, and that person was just not Irene.

 

She knew that even if she could not share her overwhelming emotions with Wendy, she would still keep the love she held between the crevices of her heart, safely guarded from prying eyes and she knew it would never go away.

 

Wendy would always be her beginning, in between and the end.


End file.
